In high school a cat named Cheddar Caught sights for a bag marked “Life”
So he ventured nearer to make Life that much clearer
And was snagged by a claw they called Strife
Strife’s brother, Hunger, drew closer
So Cheddar let out a small “yap”
As Heartache and Sonder called louder and longer
And Loneliness dried up his tap
He lied in that bag barely breathing
Body weak and filled with despair
He thought of the loathing that this world was growing
Is it worth it to have a life there?
As his eyes began to grow heavy
And his venture in Life had gone cold
A small gust of wind broke through all the sin
And Wonder began to take hold
She showed him in Life there was friendship
With Success and Joy and Hope
And they, like their brother, Caring-one-for-another
Showed him he can learn how to cope
And so he ventured out of that trash-bag
That treasure-chest he’s learned to call Life
And since no longer blinded by hateful Unkindness
He would take Satisfaction home as his wife.
I really enjoyed this poem. It took me a few takes to grasp what's going on but I like it and I like that you start with the depressing parts and end up with the happy parts where it seems that sometimes poetry does the opposite for dramatic effect. I think that some of the rhythm is a little of balance syllables-wise but I really liked the rhyme and very poetic feel that you brought.
ReplyDeleteI found this poem kind of cute. I like how you used cat names to reflect life.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the rhyming feels forced like with "yap" and "tap" and with "life" and "wife."
I like the B pattern with the phrase "bag barely breathing."
It seems like you were trying to use "Caring-for-one-and-other" as the name of a cat but it doesn't flow very nicely and seems to long compared to the other short cat names.
I'm also curious as to why the first cat is called Cheddar. The other cats are named after life things but cheddar just seems not to fit.
I like how you portrayed life trough this poem. I feel that was very well done.
I really liked the poem. I really enjoyed the progression from sadness to a happier time. I also loved your rhymes and your off rhymes throughout the poem. I am slightly confused why you chose to name the cat Chester when the other's names were more symbolic of the text. But other than that I really enjoyed it!
ReplyDeleteThis was a really clever poem. Kudos for the rhyming, that is not easy. I think that the rhyming actually worked really nicely here, which is not my usual response. My only question is: why a cat and why a mixed bag? It might just be me, but those objects seemed arbitrary rather than necessary to the narrative here. I also don't love the random capitalization. Otherwise, this was a pleasure to read. Great job.
ReplyDeleteI love that the metaphor you used was a cat in a bag! I love the play on the old maxim and the nursery rhyme-esque way of putting it together. I would suggest going at this poem with a little more patience. Perhaps consider cutting some of the abstractions and focusing on just a few. Strife, Heartache, Hunger, Wonder, Success, Joy, Hope, etc is a lot to deal with in one poem! You can accomplish more by focusing on how Cheddar interacts with a few of them and ultimately triumphs :]
ReplyDeleteSo in terms of the metaphor, I'm getting "curiosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought it back", "cat in the bag", "mixed bag"- did you want to focus on all of these, or one in particular? I though the rhyme scheme was adorable; I would change the cat's name to Curiosity, or something a long those lines. all in all great job!
ReplyDeleteSo I just wrote this epic comment, then lost it, because of a browser issue. Frustrating. Lesson learned: compose these comments in Word, then paste them into here.
ReplyDeleteStarting over now...
The first thing that is apparent here is that this is not just a rhyming poem, as others have noted, it is also a series of limericks and near-limericks. The whole poem is composed of limericks that have what would be the third and fourth lines merged into one. In case you have forgotten what a limerick is, Google “There once was a man from Nantucket.”
Limericks are usually silly, comical poems, often with a bawdy sense about them, but this poem is more serious. It develops into more of a story than an anecdote. As for why it is told as a series of limericks? I really have no idea.
With any traditional form, though, the exceptions stand out. Right now, the exceptions in this form seem arbitrary, rather than purposeful, and we don’t want that. So, one thing that occurs to me is that with a little more work, this poem could be in perfect metrical form.
Let me show you what I mean. Below are a series of your lines in their current form, followed by a potential revision that fixed their meter. Perhaps you will want to do something like this yourself as you work on the poem. Take a look:
He ventured nearer to make Life all that much clearer
So he ventured nearer to make life that much clearer
And was hooked by a claw called Strife
And was snagged by a claw they called Strife
And Wonder took him ahold
And Wonder began to take hold
And since no longer blinded by Misery and Unkindness
And since no longer blinded by hateful undkindness
***
See what I mean?
Updated: 3/19/2018
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