waving up at me
could be a his hand
it is hard to tell at that age
A crowded subway car
bursting with silence
strangers who couldn’t, wouldn’t
don’t make eye contact
All turn and coo, smile
wiggle their tongues and fingers
noises too gentle for this crowded train
fill it with music
Faces meet faces
to one day be the strangers we never knew we met
(if you can call a passing glance meeting)
who fill our dreams with people that feel new
no longer so strange to each other
now, it’s not taboo to talk
to compliment her eyes
and she, my shirt
There is a gentleness in innocence
that begs to be protected
by those that have already lost it
who try to keep those little blue eyes
from learning not to connect
with strangers on trains
now, it’s not taboo to talk
to compliment her eyes
and she, my shirt
There is a gentleness in innocence
that begs to be protected
by those that have already lost it
who try to keep those little blue eyes
from learning not to connect
with strangers on trains
I love your interpretation of such a common and simplistic occurrence: your closing stanza really spoke to me. I like the way your brain works :) everything you write is whimsy-meets-wisdom in form and content, with lines like "could be a his hand," "to one day be the strangers we never knew we met." I think I was looking for a bit more music in the flow, maybe a polishing of some phrases like "...to talk" and "but it is hard to tell at that age." I really enjoyed this!
ReplyDeleteSo true! I really like these words,
ReplyDelete"A crowded subway car
Strangers that wouldn’t
Couldn’t
Don’t make eye contact."
I agree with Talia, because I would also like to hear more music throughout the poem. I can definitely understand this being on subway. (Human interactions in general) Great job! It was an enjoyable read
This was such a great idea for a poem. You captured the innocence of children's wandering eyes on trains so nicely. The closing stanza was the strongest, in my opinion. I think the middle stanzas could have benefitted from more showing and less telling. For example, maybe describe an instance where yo never saw someone after one train ride instead of talking about the concept in general.
ReplyDeleteThis poem paints a simple, but well-drawn scene that does a great job of showing the dynamics of subway interactions. The language is simple--even repetitive--which works very well for a poem about innocence.
ReplyDeleteThe first stanza has a musing, in-the-mind tone—I would maybe cut “but it is” and leave the and leave the line as "hard to tell at that age."
I think the progression of "wouldn't, couldn't, don't" might be more interesting a bit flipped: "couldn't, wouldn't, don't"--to show a re-thinking--first assuming it's an impossibility--then realizing it's just very unlikely--but still possible--but that nonetheless it still won't happen. I would put "wouldn't" and "couldn't" on one line (regardless of the order). Same with coo and smile--one line.
I like the simplicity of "faces meet faces"
Interesting phraseology for "to one day be the strangers we never knew we met"--but I like it--however I would cut the following two lines--and instead maybe put something in about how the typical encounter with other people on the subway is not enough to be considered meeting each other, or about how the people are forgettable but the experience memorable...something that brings the idea further instead of restating.
I like the "strange" and "stranger" parallel
This poem follows the shared experience of strangers in a subway car, and imparts a a gentle rebuke to society for teaching innocence (babies who look around unabashedly) to become hardened (adults who ignore eye contact on the train).
ReplyDeleteI like the simple, blunt style to this poem.
I found the subject matter to be original and inventive.
I was pleasantly surprised by the moral of the story/ experience.
I also liked the connection between "strangers" and "strange".
Suggestions:
"Strangers that wouldn’t", 'that' should be 'who'.
"That we will only see again", 'that' should be a 'who', because you are talking about strangers, people.
"That calls out to be protected", replace 'calls out to be" with "seeks/ demands/begs protection", or something else that condenses the language and removes the awkwardness.
"By those that have already lost it", replace 'that' with 'who'.
Should there be a comma between "Now" and "it's not to late..."?
The single word lines rang empty for me. I would have liked to see other descriptions on those lines.
"When our subconscious takes over"- this line surprised me. When will the subconscious take over? I just felt like it needed a bit more fleshing out. Maybe describe such an occasion when it does take over?
Good job on a powerful poem with a strong moral.
This poem is compact and clear, and it presents a relatable and engaging scene with a persuasive bit of wisdom at the end. The poem feels comfortable in its form.
ReplyDeleteThere is a wistfulness to this poem that I enjoy. The poem expresses and earned sense of being older and more knowing about the world.
Here are a few suggestions:
Her hand was small
Waving up at me
[I feel like one more line here developing the image of the hand would help]
Could be a his hand
I agree with Avigayil above about the following part, and I think the problem is with the word "Subconscious" which is a very difficult word to work into a poem. If you change that word into something concrete (which may suggest the subconscious) then I think it will be better.
I think the last part could be trimmed and edited a little. Maybe something like...
There is a gentleness in innocence
That cries to be protected
By those who have lost it
Who yearn to keep those little blue eyes
From learning not to contact
strangers on trains
As you might guess from previous comments, I'm also not a fan of the one-word lines, for reasons I've already discussed. But that easily addressed, if you want to.
I like the depth behind this poem, as it addresses a larger issue that society faces when it comes to strangers on subways and a lesson we teach our kids from a young age.
ReplyDeleteI thought this line - "To one day be the strangers we never knew we met" was a little text heavy and a tongue twister. Perhaps there is a way to revise it and still get the message across.
I liked how you phrased this line - "Noises too gentle", well done.
"Little blue eyes"- really helps me envision a cute baby wit blue eyes.
Love the concept & overall poem!
Updated: 3/19/2018
ReplyDeleteLoved this poem so much and thought it slightly condemned the traditional "don't talk to strangers" lesson every child is taught. I feel like this poem really embraced the "show don't tell" instruction, especially when you were writing about the features of a young child without actually ever stating you were talking about one, yet we all knew it based on the imagery and story given to us. Incredible poem, job well done!
ReplyDelete