The broom squeaks,
that has lost the calluses it bore last fall.Dust mites made of cells
from everyone who tried to touch me in the winter
but shied away from my frozen skin,
are stubborn against the bristles,
unwieldy against the Tide™ of the rising Spring,
reaching out to all the parts of me
that don’t want to see them leave,
don’t want to clear out all the dirt that has accumulated
to make this space mine.
Call me a hoarder,
a collector of wounded souls,
a grandmother who just can’t throw out
her broken wedding china
that keeps cutting her fingers.
The soap won’t scrub away the crimson on her hands.
It takes elbow grease to achieve a truly effective clean.
It takes working hard, giving some of yourself
even when it feels like there is nothing left but
salt and water, which can burn the eyes.
But tears can be turned into polish; I use them
to clean away all the dirt and I breathe
don’t want to clear out all the dirt that has accumulated
to make this space mine.
Call me a hoarder,
a collector of wounded souls,
a grandmother who just can’t throw out
her broken wedding china
that keeps cutting her fingers.
The soap won’t scrub away the crimson on her hands.
It takes elbow grease to achieve a truly effective clean.
It takes working hard, giving some of yourself
even when it feels like there is nothing left but
salt and water, which can burn the eyes.
But tears can be turned into polish; I use them
to clean away all the dirt and I breathe
for the first time since summer, as the shine is revealed
*Credit to Professor Miller for the phrase "Spring Cleaning for the Soul"
Beautiful, heartfelt poem. This poem plays on the idea of spring cleaning, but for the soul; and it cleverly molds themes of physical cleaning to more spiritual and emotional experiences.
ReplyDeleteSome comments:
"too tight" - I think it sounds better, and reads better in the mind, if there was a hyphen between "too" and "tight" - "too-tight."
"that has lost the calluses it bore last fall" - this line sounded a little awkward to me - perhaps consider turning "that has" into "that's." It made the line run faster and smoother in my head. It also accentuates the beautiful "s" sounds in this verse.
"Dust mites made of cells/ from everyone who tried to touch me in the winter/ but shied away from my frozen skin" - beautiful stanza! This is an example of where the author cleverly transforms a physical-cleaning themed image with the more emotional, interpersonal experience of the speaker. I'm impressed. Also, the use of enjambment works quite well here. Perhaps remove "the" from "in the winter?"
"are stubborn against the harsh bristles,/ unwieldy against the Tide™ of the rising Spring,/ reaching out to all the parts of me" - Since the beginning word of the last two verses in this stanza are active words (such as adjectives and verbs), consider doing so with the first verse. Delete "and," so the line starts with the more active adjective "stubborn." Also, here is another example of where the author unites a physical and conceptual idea into one word - Tide^TM, so clever! It references both the household cleaner and the more theoretical onset of spring.
"that don’t want to see them leave,/ don’t want to clear out all the dirt that has accumulated" - perhaps replace "don't want" with a shorter, cleaner, one-word-synonym such as "refuse."
"The soap won’t scrub away the crimson on her hands." - just a thought, perhaps relate this line, which is really about the grandmother, back to you, because you'd be following through on the general point in this stanza of comparing yourself to a grandmother. Perhaps, replace "on her hands" with "on my hands." Also, the grandmother/ china metaphor was beautiful.
"It takes elbow grease to achieve a truly effective clean." - nice interior music! "achieve a truly effective clean" - I like the "ch" and "tr" playing off each other, they sound similar. Also the "k" sounds in "effective" and "clean," which is a clean sounding letter in itself.
"even when it feels like there is nothing left but / salt and water, which can burn the eyes." I thought "but" should go on the next line.
I loved the idea that "tears can be turned into polish." - so effective and such a powerful message. Here is another example of where you turn the more emotional, cathartic concept of tears into the physical, cleaning concept of polish.
"But tears can be turned into polish; I use them / to clean away all the dirt and I breathe/ for the first time since summer, as the a true sparkle is revealed" _ nice use of enjambment. Did you mean to use "a" or "the" in "as the a true sparkle is revealed?"
Wonderful job. I think this is one of your best poems.
Lovely! The idea is awesome! Some phrases I really liked:
ReplyDelete"Dust mites made of cells
from everyone who tried to touch me in the winter
but shied away from my frozen skin,"
YES girl! This brings in the tactile and visual, watching flakes of dried skin falling and simultaneously recalling past loves lost. It beautifully ties in literally cleaning and soul- cleaning effortlessly.
"Call me a hoarder,
a collector of wounded souls,
a grandmother who just can’t throw out
her broken wedding china
that keeps cutting her fingers.
The soap won’t scrub away the crimson on her hands."
I love this part because it brings up an image near and dear- we all have hoarder grandmothers- and it serves as an answer to people who cavalierly suggest you "just throw out!" all the negativity in your life. This simile highlights why its not so easy- and also why its extremely necessary. Those relationship continue to 'cut' your fingers as you reach out to 'touch' them again- again, rocking the tactile- and need to be discarded, difficult as it may be.
My caveat is that this topic can be a bit cliche. You handled that elegantly for most of the poem, but the last stanza I think needs to be altered to reflect the maturity and depth of the rest of the poem. I'd for sure take out "true sparkle"- it calls to mind a 'middos song' from my Bais Yaakov days too strongly (lol), and the rest of your poem far outstrips that line. Maybe refer to your earlier stuff? Clean lungs, cuts on your fingers healing? Overall, great work!
really great poem! i was a little confused because in the last line of the second stanza you wrote "but shied away from my frozen skin" but later you say "that don’t want to see them leave," at first it sounds like they want to leave but then they want to stay? the rest of the poem is beautiful and the message is clear.
ReplyDeleteReally enjoyed reading this poem and felt there were some amazing lines in it. Some lines that stood out to me in specific are: "are stubborn against the harsh bristles,
ReplyDeleteunwieldy against the Tide™ of the rising Spring," really LOVED that line and thought it was so unique and perfectly worded. I also really liked the line "Dust mites made of cells
from everyone who tried to touch me in the winter
but shied away from my frozen skin," this does such a good job at show don't tell as everyone knows how dry and flaky skin gets in the winter. The only line I wasn't as fond of was the last line as I thought it was a bit cliche and dull considering how graceful the rest of the lines were. "True sparkle" just seems like it doesn't fit. Aside from that line, the rest of the poem wowed me.The whole poem \ gives such a great depiction of an elderly jewish grandma, the one we all have that literally throws away nothing seemingly like a hoarder. The imagery, and wording of this overall was really beautiful! job well done!
This poem was really clever. I definitely would not have thought of this- but after reading it, seems so perfect. I love the idea of molding a physical cleaning into a spiritual one. It was very fresh, and unique. Very well written as well. My favorite part is,
ReplyDelete"Call me a hoarder,
a collector of wounded souls,
a grandmother who just can’t throw out
her broken wedding china
that keeps cutting her fingers.
The soap won’t scrub away the crimson on her hands."
I think that it the best thing that you have written so far. The way that you incorporated words like "collector," which reminds me of a broom or vacuum, and then paralleled it with "wounded souls," was a perfect execution. And this is done so well throughout the entire poem. I think this is your best poem. Really beautiful job.
Updated 5/8/2018
ReplyDelete