My mother, calling just forgets to cross my mind
The Second boy I almost loved, I thought my love was unconditional
My sister, I am not strong enough to keep my lips together when they should most be held close
Four-score, presidential speeches were never meant to be a fish's name
The First boy I almost loved, I tried to control how you loved me
The music guy from camp, the last picture of your grandfather should never have been lost
My roommate, flowers are full of allergens, I almost killed you
The Third boy I almost loved, you knew I almost loved you, and that is the worst of all
*With respect to Lex de Azevedo
The Second boy I almost loved, I thought my love was unconditional
My sister, I am not strong enough to keep my lips together when they should most be held close
Four-score, presidential speeches were never meant to be a fish's name
The First boy I almost loved, I tried to control how you loved me
The music guy from camp, the last picture of your grandfather should never have been lost
My roommate, flowers are full of allergens, I almost killed you
The Third boy I almost loved, you knew I almost loved you, and that is the worst of all
*With respect to Lex de Azevedo
This is a REALLY cool idea for a poem. List poems generally scare me but this is exciting and really well written. I am not sure about the title, though. It sounds poetic, but why are they bruises of your fingertips, specifically? Also, I would not have opened with the line about your sister. It's sort of an ambiguous line that doesn't fit in with the rest of the "apology- like" structure of the piece. I think the line about the mother is the strongest.
ReplyDeleteThis poem is whimsical in form and content, and impressive in how short it's kept. For a novice consumer of poetry I can't say I completely understand it, but I like how the more I look at it the more clever it becomes. The random placement of capital letters is also an interesting choice. I'm particularly a fan of the fish line :-)
ReplyDeleteFirst, I love your blog's background theme. Very artsy and whimsical - which is definitely what this poem expresses. Kudos for experimenting with form and list poems.
ReplyDeleteI understand that the second clause of each verse is the dialogue which you are responding back to the person/ fish (funny!) mentioned in the first clause. I do not fully understand the common thread between all these memories. Perhaps, they are all united by the title "people with bruises of my fingertips", people who have angered you in a way, and you have laid your hands on them in your mind. Or maybe, I'm totally reading the poem in the wrong way. Either way, this poem forces its readers to think, to try to decipher the meaning, and that is an impressive feat. Poetry doesn't always have to make sense - sometimes, just by stating random facts, memories, one comes away with a sense of identity, which is what I got from the poem - a tiny sliver of your identity, the people, memories, emotions, fish (so funny!) in your life. Well done.
Wow! I have never seen anything like this. I love the aestethics of this poem's page and how you took a different approach. While I cannot understand the poem's meaning, I certainly appreciate it!
ReplyDeleteI like the quote on your page and I like this poem a lot! I would just change the sequence of events around to be more chronological when reading through them. The only line I'm not understanding is the one about about "fish", otherwise great poem!
ReplyDeleteEli, I like these kind of list poems, and I think this one is off to a good start. But it seems rather short to me for what the poem feels like it wants to be. Just when you get into it, the poem ends. I am starting to get interested in the romantic preoccupations of the poem's speaker, but the poem feels cut off just as I am getting to understand the dramatic situation of the poem.
ReplyDeleteSo my biggest suggestion is to expand this and to circle back to the repeated phrase about "almost loving." The emotional gambit here, as I take it, is to use understatement or misstatement to suggest that the opposite is really true. When a poem's speaker keeps coming back to the point of "almost loving" someone, readers begin to understand that the "almost" is a feint, and the love is real but lost. This is what makes the poem moving! This is what I would lean into, if I were you, as you expand and revise this poem. Good start.
It took me a couple of readings to understand the structure of the poem, but there was something unique about the speaker's voice (intentionally, and thus humorously, archaic and syntactically irregular) which drew me in and made me willing to reread it. I particularly liked "calling forgets to cross my mind." It's all the fault of the concept of calling, isn't it? Silly of Calling to forget.
ReplyDeleteI wondered at the seemingly-random capitalizations? I thought "Love" might have been capitalized to highlight the archaic tendency of the speaker--in the way that nouns, especially important ones, often are in very old letters. But what about "Almost"?
If you do expand/ lengthen the poem, I think it would be interesting to run with the archaic style and backwards syntax, make it even more obvious and see if you can create more humor out of it (as with "calling forgets to cross my mind).
Updated: 3/19/2018
ReplyDeleteOkay, so I'm already wowed by the title: "People with Bruises of my fingertips"? Like, wow.
ReplyDeleteSo getting into the poem- I was apprehensive about list poems, but this one really assuaged my fears. You really master and use the list, instead of the list using you (which unfortunately sometimes happens). I like that you spaced out "the second, first, third boy I almost loved"- I like it so much more than if it directly followed. It gets at the messiness that is life so much better.
My main complaint is that I just want more of it- did you sort of love these boys? what held you back? did they love you? I pretty much just want you to continue. More, more!