*inspired by Lilo and Stitch
“ohana” means family
family means no one has to cry alone
or wear a mask
no one has to cry alone means you will never go into battle solo
you will never go into battle solo means they will mourn your losses
or fight to make sure they don’t happen
wear a mask means pretending you’re okay when the ground is falling from beneath your feet
pretending you’re okay when the ground is falling from beneath your feet means smiling when your heart is screaming
or leaving the house in the morning when your bed is the only company you can get yourself to tolerate
Hebrew is the language of my family
“shalom” means peace
peace means finding small victories in every loss you face
“ohana” means “shalom”
This is a heartfelt, sincere poem which connects the idea of family with the idea of peace through a cute and clever spin on the Disney franchise "Lilo and Stitch."
ReplyDeleteThe thread of logic here is witty. "Ohana" means family, people who aid you in vanquishing your battles, and "shalom" means peace, the absence of battle, therefore "ohana" means "shalom". A = B, C = B, therefore, A = C.
I like the fusion of two minority languages, Hawaiian/ Polynesian and Jewish - it is fresh and original.
Normally, I would suggest tightening up the language, but the long-winded sentences and elementary words (okay) suit the tone and message of the poem.
I can imagine this as a powerful slam poem. Well done.
I like how the title (which is kind of a catch phrase) led the inspiration throughout the whole poem.
ReplyDeletethe connection between "Ohana" and "Shalom" was cute and original and I thought this was a light and fun feel poem (we need those too!)
In the second stanza- you mention the word "battle," which is singular, so "they don’t" should perhaps be "It doesn't"....
I am wondering if this line "pretending you’re okay when the ground is falling from beneath your feet " could have been cut down to "pretending you're okay means smiling when..."
" you can will yourself to tolerate "
This line had me doing a double take and I think it's best if you cut out the word "will" or maybe switch it to "alllow."
I love the ending and I feel that it's very in sync with the vibe of Lilo and Stitch.
I agree with Gabriella that this would make amazing slam. The train of thought here is really intriguing, starting with an abstract statement of, "'ohana' means family," and from there breaking down that definition: "family means no one has to cry alone or wear a mask," and from there breaking down cry alone and wearing a mask, etc. This creates a pattern for me as the reader where I absorb your X=Y statement and nod in agreement, taking it for granted, and then reevaluate and reabsorb when the speaker tells me, well Y=Z. And Z=....
ReplyDeleteThis conveys the depth of that epic Lilo and Stitch moment, cleverly reflecting the enless layers beneath emotion in a literary format --- not an easy feat.
It's also really interesting how in the final stanza, "ohana" is juxtaposed to "shalom" -- connecting two cultures.
I appreciate the imagery used in the definitions and the rawness of emotion behind these different descriptions of emotional pain and isolation: crying alone, wearing a mask, going into battle, ground falling, leaving bed...I would just challenge you to break these images down into their raw sensations to make the punch of this poem even stronger. If you want to stick with the initial image of crying alone, maybe go deeper: "...means no one stands in the closet to cry alone". Or regarding battle, "no one marches onto the field without a platoon"
This is beautiful and raw with a genuineness hard to accomplish: I would just challenge the poem to to help us as your readers really feel those sensations as well, in the spirit of the family it's depicting.
So I'm going to confess that I really didn't know what "Lilo and Stitch" referred to before I looked it up. I mean, I knew it was a kid's show of some kind, but that was it. I'm not sure how important it is to get that, but obviously I am not the best audience for the poem in that sense. Lacking that, I still get the circular motion of the poem. It's built on a series of equivocations that circle back to the start of the poem.
ReplyDeleteI wonder a little about the tone in the end. Most of this is light an whimsical, but this line seems deadly serious: "peace means knowing you can fight the battles and win." Taken at face value, that is a hard-nosed, pragmatic attitude toward fighting and war. It seems a little out of place in a Lilo and Stitch referenced poem.
My favorite line here is "pretending you’re okay when the ground is falling from beneath your feet." That line really speaks to me, and it is vivid and immediate in its impact. I do wonder, though, about how much longer the lines are in this section--so long that it seems the blog format is dividing up some of the lines, resulting in oddly asymmetrical formatting here. Maybe you could fix this? It's not the most important thing, but it is a bit distracting.
In the end, I am guessing that I cannot "get" the poem fully because I know nothing whatsoever about the children's cartoon.
I really enjoyed the device of moving the poem forward by "defining" each term, then redefining the definition. I like the way you use these definitions as an opportunity to say something new and add a new dimension to previous idea.
ReplyDeleteMy only criticism is that the "shalom" stanza feels a bit underdeveloped and tacked on. I would either cut it or develop it to equal lengths as the "ohana" stanzas.
lightly updated on 5/2/2018
ReplyDeleteAs a big Lilo and Stitch fan, as soon as I saw the picture I was really excited but your poem is truly what got me hooked. I loved it! Loved how you stated "the rules of family" and then went on to define what they mean. Am a little lost with the last stanza since I didn't know where it fit in being that it didn't follow the same instructions as the rest of the poem did. Perhaps, if you include in the first stanza "or feel theyr'e tongues different" or something like that. I just feel by giving the language an introduction in the first stanza it will make the poem flow better. Other than that though, I thought everything was worded very well. It was simple, delicate, to the point, and made the reader feel every verse. Well done!
ReplyDeleteUpdated 5/9/2018
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