*Inspired by "Water" by Rudy Francisco
When I was six years old,
my sister tried to help me believe
that animals could talk.
She did this by holding a stuffed dog in front of her lips as she spoke.
I attempted revealing her act, grabbing it away with arms
Too small to budge such a mighty force
I think she said,
"See, you can't prove I'm talking for it. It's the dog speaking."
I remember trying to pull the gag in return,
but she was strong enough to just tear the dog away.
That was the day I stopped trusting that which I cannot prove.
"To anyone brave enough to love me,"
Do you know there are five fundamental love-languages humans use to
express and receive affection? When you say that you care,
it is in a foreign tongue. All I see is a stuffed dog stopping your words from translating.
I really liked how you copied Francisco's style but changed the content. The way you used a simple story to set yourself up for something so much bigger - to take on the massive topic of emotions and love. I think some of the phrasing at the beginning is a little awkward - "tried" used twice so close together and i think the lines could be tighter. But really great poem!
ReplyDeleteI love both of these poems! Both aptly describe taking that plunge to trust/ love someone. I loved the line, "That was the day I stopped trusting that which I cannot prove." I usually don't like abstractions, but this one was backed by so much showing that I really appreciated the telling!
ReplyDeleteThe line: "Do you know there are five fundamental love-languages humans use to
express and receive affection? " seemed a bit out of place in the poem-- I would suggest a more concrete metaphor to describe the ultimate lack of trust that the speaker feels in relationships.
Otherwise, really great imagery in the first few stanzas and a lovely poem altogether :]
Updated: 3/19/2018
ReplyDeleteThis poem is overall a really effective mirroring of Rudy Francisco's poem, even, in my opinion, taking some of the tools he employs a step further. In terms of content, the first stanza of "Voices" is humorous in its childish, nonchalant, anecdotal nature. The second stanza expounds upon the opening statement with effective "show don't tell." I like the specified "stuffed dog" and the picture of her holding it "in front of her lips as she spoke." I also like the specification "too small to budge such a mighty force," but I might change the adjective "small" into something with a more descriptive (or surprising) one: stumpy, pudgy...The third stanza is interesting in the way it adds conflict to the scene, "I remember trying to pull the gag in return, but she was strong enough to just tear the dog away;" until this point, the point of view is really from the speaker as a child. This shifts in the last line of that stanza, when the humorous tension escalates into a moment of mature introspection: "that was the day I stopped trusting that which I cannot prove." I love the way the scene painted here brings us to this point. I also like the next line as a direct quote from Francisco's poem. I like the direction the poem goes in the final stanza, echoing Francisco's "Do you know..." and the personal confession of trust-issues that arises from it, somehow a convincingly natural transition from the stuffed dog. That blend is really beautiful and creates overtone themes of childhood rawness and the child within still awaiting nurture.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the poem matches up with the original really well, but some little words can probably be cut, even though I know they're there to match Francisco's. For example, in the first stanza, the second line can be cut to "my sister helped me believe."
An alluring poem, as per usual :-)
I would love to see this poem extended a little bit. I too admire the poem. I admire its economy and clear purpose. Your final stanza in the poem is, to my mind, actually better than the original poem. I am quite intrigued by the idea of drowning in humanity as an expression of social discomfort. I love how you restrain from explaining the ending and let it blossom to life in our minds. I guess I just feel that it needs a touch more punch at the end--something that helps your readers to better grasp the emotional register of the poem. The comparison of water to human company is already working, but I want to FEEL more in reference to this watery context. Even one or two more lines could be enough to bring home the emotional charge that would take this poem to the next level.
ReplyDelete