The monster known as Bigotry has the general form of a
scapegoat with the horns of the devil from your left shoulder and the glowing
eyes from the first staring contest you lost. It stands as tall as your
shortcomings and as broad as everything you claim is too heavy for your
shoulders. It is summoned with the pentagram star of the flag you say you are
acting to honor and marches to the rhythm of your gunfire-drum. It has the
shifting face of every school yard bully you have lost yourself to and the
shrieks of every child who has trembled in your shadow. Its tail looks much
like the back-end of a fish, flipping back and forth from whatever opinion makes
you seem the highest and mightiest, scales catching the light in all the most
attractive ways. Though its gate is led with a haughty head, its shoulders demand
attention and when ignored they grow; more boisterous, louder, wider - until it feels like the elephant in the room
you use his horns to prod in the most painful places. Bigotry is as old as time
and as strong as the might of every trolling comment you’ve ever posted. Bigotry’s
most notable characteristic is its sense of smell; it can sniff out weakness
within ten heartbeats and tear it from its respite in the dark. When you look past
Bigotry’s sneers and huffs and perpetually prone muscles it kind of looks like
everything you ignore when looking in the mirror.
This works so well for me -- as I was first reading I was just going “Yes. Yes. Yes.” This is exactly the right forum for your creative energy: it’s slammy and whimsical and haunting and just the right shape to slip through personal barriers to hit right between the eyes. Using the prose form of monster poetry to convey not just a social commentary but a stinging personal rebuke works so well put in the characterstic naturalness of your written voice.
ReplyDeleteAlmost every line follows the same sentence structure: the first half is third person, with near-formal/encyclopedia-esque descriptions:
“The monster known as Bigotry has…”
“It stands…”
“It is summoned…”
“It has the shifting face…”
“Bigotry’s most notable characteristic is its sense of smell...”
And the second half of each sentence switches to relate to “you,” to this accused person who doesn’t really belong in an encyclopedia entry but who is necessary to its definition -- aka the reader:
“...with the horns of the devil from your left shoulder and the glowing eyes from the first staring contest you lost”
“...as broad as everything you claim is too heavy for your shoulders”
“...of the flag you say your are acting to honor and marches the rhythm of your gunfire-drum”
“...of every school yard bully you have lost yourself to and the shrieks of every child who has trembled in your shadow”
And then, interestingly, the closing line goes straight for this part 2 structure -- skip the formality: straight for the punch. The revelation of “it kind of looks like everything you ignore when looking in the mirror” is such a great, creative way to say THIS IS YOU.
Accoustically, too, I thought the sounds of the sentences flow into each other in a really pleasant stream of consciousness.
The sound of “gunfire-drum” is really cool -- I’m not sure I know what it means. Is it a drum that sounds like gunfire? Also, excess of words like “it” “is” “the” are less offensive in prose, but it might be possible to cut a bit of that.
Love it!!
I agree with Talia above that the ending is a real strength with this poem, and I want to see that stay. That said, I think this poem will be even better if you develop it, but keep that ending with suggests the monster is really inside all of us. That is a wise way to end the poem.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest issue here is that I cannot really see this monster. I never get a holistic description, only bits and pieces. Consequentially, I am only able to see the head (from the descriptions earlier in the poem), and I am not quite sure if it is meant to be a skull head, like the one in the picture, since the eyes in the picture do not glow like those described in the poem.
I recommend trying to get some more physically descriptions and visible details in the poem. Consider rereading some of the Borges poems--not the imitations of him but the original ones, especially the longer ones with detailed descriptions. Those might inspire you to flesh out this monster with telling details. If this poem were more visual, and if the monster were more clearly defined, I could see this poem making a strong contribution to our overall class blog.
I really enjoyed reading this and thought there were so many incredible pieces of this poem, particularly the ending. I especially loved "Bigotry’s most notable characteristic is its sense of smell; it can sniff out weakness within ten heartbeats and tear it from its respite in the dark. " I thought the wording was so exact and conveyed exactly what it needed to. While I really loved the whole poem and thought your imagery was very telling of what the monster feels like, I wasn't able to grasp his/her physical appearance as much as I would of liked to. Maybe if there were a couple more lines similar to the first where I would be able to get a fuller description. Other than that, I thought it was really great!
ReplyDeleteI found this to be a really clever piece, as well as enjoyable to read. I like the syllable breakup and phonetic spelling in the title--it really set the tone of seeing it as an entry in a reference book. Every line is so packed with meaning. I actually don't feel it needs a more specific physical description; I thought there were enough bits about its appearance (a horned goat with glowing eyes); moreover, I felt the way it was described really gave a feel for the monster's presence. I especially liked the lines "It stands as tall as your shortcomings and as broad as everything you claim is too heavy for your shoulders." and "It is summoned with the pentagram star of the flag you say you are acting to honor and marches to the rhythm of your gunfire-drum."
ReplyDeleteI found the poem fast-paced, engaging, cleverly worded, with a very powerful concluding sentence.
Updated 5/2/2018
ReplyDeleteThis poem is great. the reason I like it so much is that it mixes concrete descriptions (Horns) with more thoeritical and ambiguous ones (Staring contest eyes). The effect is that it creates a monster that is very personal and subjective to the person reading, which in a way makes it even more frightening.
ReplyDeleteI like how you kept the whole entry in one giant paragraph. It works well with the encyclopedia vibes we are supposed to be getting.
I think your ending is the strongest. It follows the rhythm of the rest of the poem (heavy descriptions and longer sentences) but it leaves you with a punch. "everything you ignore when looking in the mirror" - this is again, personal to the reader but it still is a vivid image.
You totally took the advice we mentioned in class of providing more physical description of the monster- I love the image of a scaly fish flipping back and forth, the shoulders growing to gain attentions, the horns and the blazing eyes. Well done! Like I said in class, you had already got the harder parts of this form down-pat: the metaphorical, the ambiguous and amorphous, the parts that reach into consciousness and demand attention. I agree with Talia, this style is totally up your slam-poetry alley, and you totally knocked it out of the park. I love the way the poem shifts between encyclopedic and accusatory (kind of reminds me of Holy War =]) in a way that smashes the fourth wall to smithereens and demands reader involvement.
ReplyDeleteGreat, great, GREAT work.